Except, I'm not on stage, not playing star to anybody. Just me, plain ol me. It's hard to fight, and work only to have to accept that it was all for nothing. What did I learn of my marriage? That you cannot depend on anyone but yourself, you were born alone and you will die alone. What did I learn from my divorce? That I am free to do what I want, I'm independant, self-sufficient, and I am alone. Things I already knew, but somehow got locked away, sometime in my late teens. Not that I wasn't alone during my marriage, but I guess I miss the comfort in pretending that I wasn't.
I blame the Disney cartoons for making me believe that "Someday My Prince Would Come." Such an ideal fairy-tale, in my teens I imagined some guy would look at me from across the way and think "Yes, tis her, my fair lady!" Then he would fall completely head over heels for me, I would be his world and have his undying devotion and the kingdom would rejoice! Well, maybe not exactly like that, more like in a 1990's sorta way. Still, it should happen that way, because that's the way love is, right? Er...wrong. The ex did that. I became his world....and he grew obsessive and possessive. Nearly broke my will. But that's a long story, and I'm not exactly thinking about that right now. What I am thinking about is how I feel "alone." And, no it's not that I'm "lonely" or need a good roll in the hay. It's just that right now, I feel like a loner, a nomad. I feel too much like an individual. Does that make sense? I feel seperated. Divorced from everyday people.
I believe it's because I'm having difficulty getting reacquainted with my solitude, just being me. So here I go, starting over again, on the road, playing star to me, plain ol me....
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3 comments:
Enjoy the journey. Don't be afraid. There is no one more interesting to meet and get to know than yourself.
Rediscovery of the self is always an amazing journey. You have so many options. Being alone can be a strength in itself. It give you a moment to catch up with who you were, who you are now and who you will become. We are constantly evolving.
you suck. why didn't you tell me you started the blog.
i'm so proud of you. your reacquaintence with yourself and the world has gone well. think how far you've come from that day when you took the bus and train downtown. you were so nervous and anxious and now, now no one can stop you. getting in touch with our inner self is difficult sometimes, don't worry.
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